my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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