We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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