When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Randomize
