i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
