I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
