Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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