Your mouth is God's brothel.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
