Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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