I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
