Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
