You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
