i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
40s are totally the cure
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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