he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm both gender and math confused
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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