3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
