I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
