If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
