i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
