True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
