My room smells like vodka and shame
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
