shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
