my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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