My underwear smells like fireworks.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
