i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
