if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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