Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
