So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
