my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
