Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
