come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
