so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
