RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I could make wine with my vomit
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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