I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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