the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
