We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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