I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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