My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
