I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
