We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
