i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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