Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
