Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
