i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
