Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
