thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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