Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
