im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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