I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
