I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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