Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
