a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
