I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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