I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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