Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Is this like a preordered booty call?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
